Amy’s Blog – Page 55 – A Course in Miracles with Amy Torres

13. What Is a Miracle?

Posted on December 7, 2015

Commentary (full lesson beneath commentary)

In Part II of the Workbook, every 10 lessons we are given an instruction. It comes in the form of a question. There are 14 of these questions all together, and each one of them corresponds to a set of 10 lessons, and is to be read every day for the next 10 days along with our lesson for the day. “What Is a Miracle?” is the thirteenth instruction and goes with Lessons 341 – 350.

13. What Is a Miracle?

A miracle is a correction. It does not create, nor really change at all. It merely looks on devastation, and reminds the mind that what it sees is false. It undoes error, but does not attempt to go beyond perception, nor exceed the function of forgiveness. Thus it stays within time’s limits. Yet it paves the way for the return of timelessness and love’s awakening, for fear must slip away under the gentle remedy it brings.

A miracle contains the gift of grace, for it is given and received as one. And thus it illustrates the law of truth the world does not obey, because it fails entirely to understand its ways. A miracle inverts perception which was upside down before, and thus it ends the strange distortions that were manifest. Now is perception open to the truth. Now is forgiveness seen as justified.

Forgiveness is the home of miracles. The eyes of Christ deliver them to all they look upon in mercy and in love. Perception stands corrected in His sight, and what was meant to curse has come to bless. Each lily of forgiveness offers all the world the silent miracle of love. And each is laid before the Word of God, upon the universal altar to Creator and creation in the light of perfect purity and endless joy.

The miracle is taken first on faith, because to ask for it implies the mind has been made ready to conceive of what it cannot see and does not understand. Yet faith will bring its witnesses to show that what it rested on is really there. And thus the miracle will justify your faith in it, and show it rested on a world more real than what you saw before; a world redeemed from what you thought was there.

Miracles fall like drops of healing rain from Heaven on a dry and dusty world, where starved and thirsty creatures come to die. Now they have water. Now the world is green. And everywhere the signs of life spring up, to show that what is born can never die, for what has life has immortality.

Remember, in Part II of the Workbook, every 10 lessons we are given an instruction. It comes in the form of a question. There are 14 of these questions all together, and each one of them corresponds to a set of 10 lessons, and is to be read every day for the next 10 days along with our lesson for the day. “What Is a Miracle?” is the thirteenth instruction and goes with Lessons 341 – 350.

Let’s practice together! Click here for more information and to sign-up for Workin’ the Workbook, my online class which supports the ACIM Workbook practice.

12. What Is the Ego?

Posted on November 26, 2015

in Today's ACIM Lesson

by Amy Torres

Commentary (full lesson beneath commentary)

In Part II of the Workbook, every 10 lessons we are given an instruction. It comes in the form of a question. There are 14 of these questions all together, and each one of them corresponds to a set of 10 lessons, and is to be read every day for the next 10 days along with our lesson for the day. “What Is the Ego?” is the twelfth instruction and goes with Lessons 331 – 340.

12. What Is the Ego?

The ego is idolatry, the sign of limited and separated self, born in a body, doomed to suffer and to end its life in death. It is the “will” that sees the Will of God as enemy, and takes a form in which it is denied. The ego is the “proof” that strength is weak and love is fearful, life is really death, and what opposes God alone is true.

The ego is insane. In fear it stands beyond the Everywhere, apart from All, in separation from the Infinite. In its insanity it thinks it has become a victor over God Himself. And in its terrible autonomy, it “sees” the Will of God has been destroyed. It dreams of punishment, and trembles at the figures in its dreams, its enemies, who seek to murder it before it can ensure its safety by attacking them.

The Son of God is egoless. What can he know of madness and the death of God, when he abides in Him? What can he know of sorrow and of suffering, when he lives in eternal joy? What can he know of fear and punishment, of sin and guilt, of hatred and attack, when all there is surrounding him is everlasting peace, forever conflict-free and undisturbed, in deepest silence and tranquility?

To know reality is not to see the ego and its thoughts, its works, its acts, its laws and its beliefs, its dreams, its hopes, its plans for its salvation, and the cost belief in it entails. In suffering, the price for faith in it is so immense that crucifixion of the Son of God is offered daily at its darkened shrine, and blood must flow before the altar where its sickly followers prepare to die.

Yet will one lily of forgiveness change the darkness into light; the altar to illusions to the shrine of Life Itself. And peace will be restored forever to the holy minds which God created as His Son, His dwelling place, His joy, His love, completely His, completely one with Him.

Remember, in Part II of the Workbook, every 10 lessons we are given an instruction. It comes in the form of a question. There are 14 of these questions all together, and each one of them corresponds to a set of 10 lessons, and is to be read every day for the next 10 days along with our lesson for the day. “What Is the Ego?” is the twelfth instruction and goes with Lessons 331 – 340.

Let’s practice together! Click here for more information and to sign-up for Workin’ the Workbook, my online class which supports the ACIM Workbook practice.

Mooji: Thunderbolts of Truth and Blessings to ACIM Students

Posted on November 21, 2015

in Non-duality, Thoughts on A Course in Miracles, Undoing the Ego, Unlearning Classroom

by Amy Torres

“At a certain stage it will stop seeming auspicious to be a person. It’s a kind of grace that few will appreciate.” ~Mooji

On a rainy Saturday in October, with a feeling of baptism in the air, Mooji met with me in the breathtaking Ramakrishna Yurt which is perched on the edge of a precipice and has a view that silences the ego mind instantly.

Sri Mooji is a true Master, the living Christ, and points to the simple truth that you are, also. If you desire the deepest Truth, this video is for you. Mooji and I speak about Course concepts and his insights reverberate like thunderbolts! See for yourself.

You may also enjoy the conversation Bill Free and I had on his new internet radio show, Pure Presence. If you missed it live, here’s the link: https://www.unity.fm/episode/PurePresence_100215

11. What Is Creation?

Posted on November 17, 2015

in Today's ACIM Lesson

by Amy Torres

Commentary (full lesson beneath commentary)

In Part II of the Workbook, every 10 lessons we are given an instruction. It comes in the form of a question. There are 14 of these questions all together, and each one of them corresponds to a set of 10 lessons, and is to be read every day for the next 10 days along with our lesson for the day. “What Is Creation?” is the eleventh instruction and goes with Lessons 321 – 330.

11. What Is Creation?

Creation is the sum of all God’s Thoughts, in number infinite, and everywhere without all limit. Only love creates, and only like itself. There was no time when all that it created was not there. Nor will there be a time when anything that it created suffers any loss. Forever and forever are God’s Thoughts exactly as they were and as they are, unchanged through time and after time is done.

God’s Thoughts are given all the power that their own Creator has. For He would add to love by its extension. Thus His Son shares in creation, and must therefore share in power to create. What God has willed to be forever One will still be One when time is over; and will not be changed throughout the course of time, remaining as it was before the thought of time began.

Creation is the opposite of all illusions, for creation is the truth. Creation is the holy Son of God, for in creation is His Will complete in every aspect, making every part container of the whole. Its oneness is forever guaranteed inviolate; forever held within His holy Will, beyond all possibility of harm, of separation, imperfection and of any spot upon its sinlessness.

We are creation; we the Sons of God. We seem to be discrete, and unaware of our eternal unity with Him. Yet back of all our doubts, past all our fears, there still is certainty. For love remains with all its Thoughts, its sureness being theirs. God’s memory is in our holy minds, which know their oneness and their unity with their Creator. Let our function be only to let this memory return, only to let God’s Will be done on earth, only to be restored to sanity, and to be but as God created us.

Our Father calls to us. We hear His Voice, and we forgive creation in the Name of its Creator, Holiness Itself, Whose Holiness His Own creation shares; Whose Holiness is still a part of us.

Remember, in Part II of the Workbook, every 10 lessons we are given an instruction. It comes in the form of a question. There are 14 of these questions all together, and each one of them corresponds to a set of 10 lessons, and is to be read every day for the next 10 days along with our lesson for the day. “What Is Creation?” is the eleventh instruction and goes with Lessons 321 – 330.

Let’s practice together! Click here for more information and to sign-up for Workin’ the Workbook, my online class which supports the ACIM Workbook practice.

Six Recommendations Straight from the Holy Spirit

Posted on November 5, 2015

in Thoughts on A Course in Miracles, Undoing the Ego, Unlearning Classroom, What is A Course in Miracles?

by Amy Torres

Imagine you are climbing a ladder to Heaven, rung by rung. Each rung gleams more resplendently as you draw nearer and nearer to Heavenly Light. You are open to receiving recommendations straight from the Holy Spirit.

His Light is almost blinding and you realize the Holy Spirit is not shining brighter – you are drawing nearer as His Magnetism becomes irresistible. And when you reach the top you realize there is no individual “you”… Enlightenment!

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) offers a workbook practice to help you reach Enlightenment. The practice reconnects you with your Internal Teacher, the Holy Spirit (HS). This connection changes everything. As you follow Spirit Guidance you are liberated from fear and empowered by Love. But … sticking with this guidance can be tricky, as the ego usually kicks up a fuss as it senses its ultimate demise.

This is why the Holy Spirit offers some very clear recommendations so you can stay on-track. As you stick with Spirit, you develop more focus, faith and trust in your own experience which then strengthens your connection to the Truth which is already in your mind. Here are six basic recommendations from the Holy Spirit as given by Jesus in ACIM:

Six Recommendations Straight from the Holy Spirit

★ Develop the good habit of practicing your workbook lesson as close to awakening, and going to sleep, as possible.

★ There is also a purification process involved, so it’s natural to experience unpleasant side effects at times. But remember, when swimming pools are disinfected, first the muddy, murky sludge that has gathered at the bottom is churned up to the surface. Only after the filter has been going for a while does the water become clear. In the same way, you are cleansed and purified through the workbook practice. After a while, fear and darkness dissolve, and all that remains is the loving light You Really Are.

★ All the workbook lessons should be done in an unhurried manner. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential. With our busy lives, this often seems impossible. But if you ask the Holy Spirit to help you find the time, HS will give you that miracle. After all, we’re told at the very beginning of the ACIM Text, in the 50 miracle principles, that miracles collapse time. Miracles are nothing if not practical!

★ As you practice the idea for the day, use it totally indiscriminately. Do not attempt to apply it to everything you see, for these exercises should not become ritualistic. Only be sure that nothing you see is specifically excluded. One thing is like another as far as the application of the idea is concerned. This is important because it impresses on the mind the first miracle principle: “There is no order of difficulty in miracles.” When this becomes real to us, there is nothing else to do but naturally and effortlessly spend our lives extending miracles.

★ “The curriculum is highly individualized, and all aspects are under the Holy Spirit’s particular care and guidance.” ACIM, M-29. Isn’t it comforting and inspiring to know that the Holy Spirit is working with you individually?*

★ Open to the Holy Spirit’s guidance and feel His power surging Life and Love into you. Doing the workbook practice is like plugging in your cell phone – a powerful energy is charging you up! And there will be signs to boost your confidence along the way.

* There will come a day when you realize that you were working with the Holy Spirit, not HS with you. HS helps you awaken to Reality, not dream a better dream. When you choose the Holy Spirit’s guidance, you are choosing against illusions and enlightenment is recognized as always here, always true. “The Holy Spirit must work through you to teach you He is in you. This is an intermediary step towards the knowledge that you are in God because you are part of Him.” (T-7.IV.2:1-2)

For a long time, it seems as if your path is your own – very personal and filled with unique experiences. It is your particular set of experiences, relationships and understandings. This is because first you must become your self, and that readies you to realize your Self. “A tiny moment of surprise, perhaps, will make you pause before you realize the world you see before you in the light reflects the truth you knew, and did not quite forget in wandering away in dreams.” (W-131: No one can fail who seeks to reach the truth.)

Now, after taking in these six recommendations straight from the Holy Spirit, try it again: Imagine you are climbing a ladder to Heaven, rung by rung. Each rung gleams more resplendently as you draw nearer and nearer to Heavenly Light. The Holy Spirit is not shining brighter – you are drawing nearer. And when you reach the top you realize there is no individual “you”… Enlightenment!

* * * * *

Workin’ the Workbook (WtW) is an online class that helps structure, clarify and support your Course in Miracles Workbook practice. WtW also helps you persevere and stick with all 365 lessons. Many people quit before completing the Workbook and don’t get to experience the rewards of choosing the Holy Spirit rather than the ego.

You can begin at any lesson — start with Lesson 1 or resume where you left off. The price is $37 a month (just a bit more than a dollar a day) and no one is turned away due to lack of funds (email me at [email protected] to ask about scholarships).

Let’s practice together! Click here for more information and to sign-up for Workin’ the Workbook, my online class which supports the ACIM Workbook practice.

Ask Amy: Tears of Joy

Posted on October 31, 2015

in Ask Amy, Thoughts on A Course in Miracles, Undoing the Ego, Unlearning Classroom

by Amy Torres

Guy Question Q: I don’t know if my heart is being touched by God or if I am going nuts. I cry all through the day. There is no sadness, just a deep compassion and love present. This has been going on for a while now. I read A Course in Miracles and I cry. I hear beautiful words in my head that do not seem to be my own and I cry. I feel drawn to sit out in nature and see beauty all around me and I cry. What is going on with me?

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA A: The ego loves to say, “I don’t know” and “what if I am going nuts” to keep you endlessly distracted from, as you so nicely put it, your heart being touched by God. In ACIM, Jesus tells us in no uncertain terms, “The ego is insane.” (W-pII.12.2:1) and assures us, “The Holy Spirit will restore your sanity because insanity is not the will of God.” (T-13.XI.7:4)

Within your question is the answer to your question. Here are the telltale signs that you are having the best kind of meltdown:

* There is no sadness. Tears without sadness are joyful tears of awakening. The ACIM Text informs us, “There is no sadness where a miracle has come to heal.” (T-27.V.4:1)

* There is deep compassion and love present (holy qualities of your true Self). “In your heart the Heart of God is laid. He holds you dear, because you are Himself.” (W-197)

* There is constancy (you say, “this has been going on for a while”) rather than egoic roller coaster emotions or debilitating mood swings. God’s Mind is Changeless.

* You are moved by beauty and seeing beauty in everything. “This loveliness is not a fantasy. It is the real world, bright and clean and new, with everything sparkling under the open sun.” (T-17.II.2:1-2)

* You are recognizing your inner wisdom (as you read A Course in Miracles). “This course removes all doubts which you have interposed between Him and your certainty of Him.” (W-165)

* You are receiving beautiful words that do not seem to be your own. “Only God’s holy children are worthy channels of His beautiful joy, because only they are beautiful enough to hold it by sharing it.” (T-5.Intro)

Chronic crying without relief or resolution is very different than what you are describing. In your case, it sounds like you are open enough at this point in your spiritual unfolding to experience tears of joy.

Spiritually, tears of joy are a spontaneous recognition of your true Self. You are literally overflowing with love, compassion, and appreciation. These tears are Grace moving through you, purifying you, uplifting you, and confirming your true Nature. Not only is your heart being touched by God, you are discovering you are within the Heart of God.

This joyful crying is still an experience – a phase in your awakening. You do not have to wonder how long it will last, or try to recapture it if it ceases. Spiritual experiences are markers on the path, not a goal in and of themselves. You are well on your way to full awakening and God is in charge now.

For those of you who would like to be guided into this “tears of joy” state of Mind, Lessons 261 – 270 offer this experience.

This Q&A appears in the Ask Amy column from the Sept-Oct 2015 issue of Miracles magazine. Miracles is a well-loved staple in the ACIM community. For a subscription, email [email protected] or call 845-496-9089. To ask Amy a question, email miracles (at) amytorresacim (dot) com

Reasons to Keep Faith Even If You Don’t Hear God

Posted on September 26, 2015

in Awakening, Prayer, Undoing the Ego, Unlearning Classroom

by Amy Torres

The reason people get terribly discouraged when they pray and don’t hear God is because it seems as if God is not answering them. In order to keep faith, we have to open our minds to the idea that just because we believe “God doesn’t care about me” or “God doesn’t exist” doesn’t mean it’s true.

Here are five reasons to keep faith even though, right now, you think you can’t hear God:

1. God hears you even if you don’t hear Him.

In How You Can Talk With God, Paramahansa Yogananda tells us, “The trouble is not with Him, but with us. Our intuitive telephonic system is out of order. God is calling us and speaking to us, but we do not hear Him.” Even if you are convinced that God has not heard you because you specifically asked, and even begged, for something and did not get it, all that proves is that you were directing God to do what you thought best — rather than asking God for His guidance. We have to remain open to the possibility that what we think is best is not necessarily so. Our solutions may not be the Answer. Extend a little willingness to trust that God has heard you, even if you haven’t heard His reply – yet.

2. You have your fingers in your ears.

We don’t realize that we are deliberately plugging up our hearing, which, of course, interferes with receiving God’s messages to us. In order to hear God, whose call is there for us continuously, all day and all night long, we need to open ourselves to Him by releasing our desires, longings, and demands. The way to do this is to give everything to God. When we give God our desires, our wishes, our fears and sorrows, our resentments and jealousies, we are releasing blockages which clear our “ears” and makes it possible to “hear” Him.

3. Your eyes are closed.

A Course in Miracles tells us, “You believe that what your physical eyes cannot see does not exist. This leads to a denial of spiritual sight.” Many spiritual paths speak of a third eye. Located in the space between the eyebrows is the sixth chakra, the energy center of enlightened vision, which brings the body’s eyes together into one single eye — a spiritual eye which gives us God’s Vision. God speaks to us with symbols. It may be an inner voice, or visions, or a coincidence which is more than coincidence. Open your mind and ears and eyes will start to reveal Him to you. You can google “spiritual eye meditation” to find a specific exercise to help you open your spiritual eye.

4. You are asleep.

In the bible, the Adam and Eve story tells us that Adam fell into a deep sleep, but nowhere does it say that he awoke from this sleep. Again, more than one spiritual path tells us that this world is a dream or an illusion. A common reason that we think we can’t hear God is that we are in a deep, hypnotic sleep, utterly convinced that our dream is reality, when actually God is a reality beyond our human comprehension.

A compelling paragraph from A Course in Miracles states, “You are at home in God, dreaming of exile but perfectly capable of awakening to reality. Is it your decision to do so? You recognize from your own experience that what you see in dreams you think is real while you are asleep. Yet the instant you waken you realize that everything that seemed to happen in the dream did not happen at all. You do not think this strange, even though all the laws of what you awaken to were violated while you slept. Is it not possible that you merely shifted from one dream to another, without really waking?”

The question becomes, how can we awaken, and in that awakening hear what God has been whispering in our sleepy ear the entire time? There are many ways. One is to quiet the mind through meditation. Another is to ask God to guide us in His way without setting our own agenda. The main thing is to listen receptively.

5. Your seeds are germinating underground.

God is Love Itself, and you are God’s child. Trust that any time you turn to God that you are developing a relationship with Him. He is aware of you always. You are just learning how to recognize His communication, which comes in many varied forms and symbols. Every time you turn to God you plant a seed of love in the ground. They are germinating. The buds will poke out from the earth and start to rise toward heaven — your seeds will blossom. Let yourself believe this and you will find that God’s Voice was with you all along.

These are five reasons to keep faith even though you can’t hear God in this moment. Open your heart, open your mind, and let God surprise you. When we think too much we block our ability to receive God’s Thoughts. Try to relax, be it meditating, cleaning the house, fishing, or taking a bath – something calming that takes you out of your worried thoughts, and chances are better that God will reveal Himself in the very moment you least expect it.

You may also enjoy Five Steps to Cultivating Your Relationship with the Holy Spirit. If you would like coaching to help you tune in to God, I am available for spiritual guidance. Just email [email protected]

Wouldn’t You Rather Make Love?

Posted on September 26, 2015

in Today's ACIM Lesson

by Amy Torres

Making love starts in the mind. It is what we’re thinking that turns us on or off. Making love can be using the body sexually to express love, tenderness, and pleasure. Making love can be purely sensual, e.g., giving your partner a massage or a bath that is fragrant with essential oils. Making love can be sharing companionship — doing things together. Most of all, making love is letting our partner know that we see the best in him or her, that we genuinely like who they are, that they inspire us. Love is generous, non-judgmental, appreciative, and brings us closer.

Arguing is oppositional. Arguing is about one person being right and the other wrong. It is about justifying our point of view and making a point. The well-known spiritual book A Course in Miracles asks, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Arguing is about getting our way, being opinionated, judgmental, and divisive. Arguing incites angry feelings, hostility, and can result in low self-esteem. Some people say, “We’re not arguing. We’re having a discussion!” or “We’re having a good debate,” but debate is a form of verbal warfare, and discussions with winners and losers are arguments!

It’s okay to feel excited and passionate about what you believe as long as you don’t force your beliefs on another. It’s okay to have varying levels of volume in a conversation as long as your partner doesn’t feel bullied or trapped. And it’s more than okay to have a heated discussion lead to the bedroom — as long as you celebrate your increased understanding, not to sweep an unresolved issue under the rug.

Love is unifying. We can disagree without being oppositional. We can disagree with respect, empathy, and an interest in getting to know each other better. We can learn to agree to disagree. Understanding each other is more important than agreeing on everything.

One of the most loving things we can do for ourselves and our partner is to identify our own needs. If we can be honest with ourselves about what we need, emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, etc., and learn to express this need without demanding it be met, then we’re onto something that will really transform our relationships.

Many people think that it is unselfish to keep their needs out of their awareness — they may not even know they have certain kinds of needs buried below the surface. This is actually a disservice to themselves and their partners. Your partner doesn’t stand a chance of meeting your needs if you can’t express what they are! And even if you think this is selfless, eventually it will lead to resentments. Making love is choosing to have a conscious relationship — choosing to become more self-aware of our personal agendas.

One aspect of emotional maturity is taking responsibility for our feelings, thoughts, and needs so rather than unconsciously acting them out and testing our partner, we choose to ask for our partner’s help and participation. This draws us closer. Of course, not all our needs can be met by our romantic partner, or perhaps at all. But we always deserve love for how we feel, even if our feelings don’t seem to make sense.

Remember, if you sincerely would rather make love than argue, all you have to do is share your needs rather than prove your point. With a cooperative partner, this will go a long way toward improving your communication, deepening your understanding of each other, and cultivating a more loving relationship.

I’m available for coaching sessions on emotional intelligence and harmonious communication. To set up an appointment, email [email protected]

8 Ways to Become A Good Listener – and Why You Want To

Posted on September 26, 2015

in Uncategorized, Undoing the Ego, Unlearning Classroom

by Amy Torres

Have you ever been talking to someone who is looking around the room while you speak? Or who interrupts you to say something on a completely different subject? Maybe you were confiding in a friend who seemed distracted and when you accused her of not listening, she said indignantly, “I was listening!” To prove it she parroted back the last phrase you had spoken.

There is a difference between listening and technically hearing what is said. Hearing what is said takes short term memory — it only indicates that on a surface level you took in their words but didn’t join emotionally with the person speaking to you. Listening is being receptive to your own inner wisdom, while emotionally attuned to the other person.

Men tend to be better listeners than women because generally they can tolerant silence better. Women are better listeners than men in that they are more comfortable sharing emotions. Men need to learn how to be more emotionally available and responsive. Women need to learn how to be supportive through their presence rather than talking too much.

Becoming a better listener means becoming a better person because it cultivates emotional maturity and generosity. Is it possible to become a great listener? Yes it is. Let’s look at eight ways you can develop great listening skills.

1. Be interested. Many people think listening means keeping quiet until it is their turn to talk. But true listening is a selfless act. Listening means giving your thoughtful attention to another person. This attention is non-judgmental, open-minded, respectful and curious.

2. Listening is receiving. We are receiving the trust and vulnerability of another person. To be a receiver, let yourself be a blank canvas for the other person. Allow your friend to toss out ideas, feelings, contradictory thoughts, and whatever else is coming up. Let her be upset or illogical.

3. Indicate you’re listening with subtle cues. Let the person know that you’re interested by nodding your head, murmuring “mmm hmmm,” and softly echoing a word or short phrase here and there.

4. Attuning and matching. A good listener usually makes eye contact, but might also sit companionably side by side and gaze straight ahead, allowing the talker privacy and intimacy at the same time. Attune yourself to the person talking to you by noticing the degree of eye contact they are making with you and match them. For instance, if the person seems self-conscious and looks down or away a lot, drop your gaze as well from time to time. This way she will feel accepted rather than scrutinized. If she is animated and leaning towards you, lean towards her. Pick up on her rhythm, her body language. Psychological research has found that people feel understood when we use the same gestures they use. This helps them to feel safe and relaxed.

5. Wait for an organic pause. Try not to interrupt — it’s an amazing gift to provide enough space for someone to let it all out. When there is a lull, and the person seems to have unburdened themselves, that will be the time to speak. When I was a student in Gestalt psychotherapy training, I would eagerly jump in while clients were still talking and a fellow student told me that I wasn’t waiting for the “organic pause”– that natural breath between spoken thoughts that opens the door to another voice chiming in. I came from a cultural background where we were used to interrupting each other’s interruptions, and it wasn’t unusual for five conversations to be going on at the same time. Even if this is acceptable socially, it doesn’t work when someone really needs a shoulder to cry on, or in a work situation, if a colleague needs to resolve professional issues.

6. Acknowledge and empathize. Good listening is not complete silence. When the time comes to speak, briefly reiterate to the person what you heard them say. For example, if your friend tells you in a loud, excitable voice, “My boyfriend had lunch with his ex yesterday! He won’t tell me what they talked about. He’s shutting me out. Does he still love her? Should I break up with him before he breaks up with me?” as a good listener, let her vent. Do not say, “Calm down. Relax. Everything will be okay.” That will only escalate her feelings because she will feel, rightfully so, that you cannot tolerate her being upset.

Instead, use some of her words, and say, “Okay, your boyfriend had lunch with his ex yesterday. Now you’re feeling shut out and scared that he may still love her and want to get back with her?” Your friend will feel “heard” because you actually were strong enough to hear her, instead of trying to get her to calm down on your timetable. Chances are she will say, “Yes!” Then she may burst into tears, or talk some more, or quiet down. You are now helping her productively process her feelings, rather than frantically obsessing over them.

“It sounds like you’re really upset with your boyfriend for having lunch with his ex. If I were you I’d feel the same way.” or “I know you really wanted that promotion and I don’t blame you for feeling it was unfair that the new guy got it.” By reflecting back to the person what they said in their own words, you are acknowledging you heard them accurately. And by saying you might feel the same way, you are putting your foot in their shoe and empathizing with them. The emotional tone of what you say should be responsive rather than reactive. In other words, while you’re listening take note of what’s coming up for you and put it on a back shelf. Sort out what is useful for the person who is confiding in you and, for now, keep your own emotions and opinions to yourself.

7. Don’t give unasked for advice. Most of us have not been listened to in the way I’m describing, so we’re not used to listening to someone else this way. We may consider ourselves very nice people and have all kinds of good ideas for the person speaking to us about their problem. What we don’t realize is that offering solutions before a person has expressed their upset feelings doesn’t work. Do you want to be told what to do while you’re venting?

8. Make an offering. After acknowledging and empathizing, you have the option of offering something more. It can be something simple like, “How can I help?” or “Would you like some feedback from me?” Chances are your friend feels relieved and solutions are starting to form within her now that she’s cleared a space inside herself. Don’t be surprised if your good listening facilitates her having a revelation about herself or the situation. She may tell you that you’ve done more than enough already! If she does want feedback, this is your opportunity to share your experience and offer advice. Timing is everything — wait until you’re invited.

What’s in it for you? Great listeners are receivers — they receive trust, they are in an honored position in that way. They help people sort out their thoughts and feelings. Listeners offer solace and consolation. They celebrate and appreciate good news or achievements. And in the process, listeners receive the gratification of being there for someone else. Listeners have cultivated patience to wait until another person has talked themselves out — and have discovered that people often find their own answers to their struggles.

So, listening develops faith in us that people have an inner intelligence. We don’t have to be mini-Gods and fix everyone’s problems by jumping in and talking too much or too soon. Listening requires patience, generosity, and humility. Becoming a great listener is a process of maturing. By developing great listening skills, we provide a mirror that reflects back to the person speaking what is inside of them, and that is powerfully rewarding for both of us.

The Ability to Resolve Conflict Is Key to Healthy Relationships

Posted on September 26, 2015

in Today's ACIM Lesson

by Amy Torres

Can we agree that everybody disagrees with somebody else at one time or another? This is inevitable in a dualistic world, but there is a harmonious way to deal with disagreement.

There are ways to communicate which help us resolve conflict, avoid unnecessary arguments and develop harmonious relationships. Most people who use the techniques offered below report improvements, not just in their love life, but in relationships with other family members, co-workers, friends, and complete strangers. In other words, everybody!

The great conflict negotiator, Marshall Rosenberg, shared that when he taught his non-violent communication skills to young children in elementary schools that they picked up the ability to identify their feelings and share them responsibly far more quickly than did their teachers and the school administrators. Although it is generally true that young minds absorb information more easily than when we’re older and more stuck in our ways, there’s always hope if we’re willing to try. On that note, here are three proven tools for improving communication between you and your partner.

1. Self-awareness. Set aside some time to work on gaining more awareness of what’s going on inside of you when you are upset with your partner. For example, if you are frustrated that your partner has agreed to take out the garbage when it’s full, but doesn’t actually do so, you may feel fully justified in being angry. But let’s break it down. It sounds like it’s more about him keeping his word, and participating in the household chores. Underneath your anger, you may feel you can’t trust him to follow through on what he says, and that you have more than your fair share to do around the house-you may feel a lack of partnership. Gaining self-awareness about the deeper issues empowers you and facilitates better communication. Once you clarify what is going on within you, communicate constructively using “I”-talk, that is, using the word “I” and “me” rather than accusing or blaming.

For example, rather than saying, “You never take out the garbage! I’ve had it!” and angrily doing it yourself, you might say, “It would make me happy if you took out the garbage regularly without me reminding you. I could relax and trust that you’ll follow through and it’s a good feeling when you share the chores with me.” Can you feel the difference in the emotional tone?

2. Acknowledgment. It would go a long way at this point if your partner is willing to acknowledge what you have said. This means he remains open, not defensive, and says something simple, like, “I know I haven’t been consistent taking out the garbage.” When we acknowledge what our partner said without defending, this usually has a soothing effect on the one who is upset. It is also empowering to the one “in the wrong” because s/he finds there are ways to communicate without escalating the situation. Neuro-linguistic programming, a powerful approach to interpersonal communication, found that using the same words as the other person help him/her to feel understood. Harville Hendrix uses a similar technique called mirroring in his Imago Relationship Therapy Work.

Mirroring sounds like, “It would make you happy if I took out the garbage regularly without you reminding me. You could relax and trust that I’ll follow through, and you feel good when I share the chores with you.” When we reflect back accurately what the other person has said to us, the person feels understood and respected. This is a powerful tool in de-escalating conflict and re-establishing cooperation.

3. Accountability. Accountability means taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. This, too, takes some self-searching to become more self-aware. So if I’m the one who hasn’t been taking out the garbage, I would find out what’s going on inside myself. Maybe I’ve been busy at work and too tired to do one more thing. Maybe I’ve been fixing things around the house and feel unappreciated. Maybe I’m getting back at you for something else. Maybe I just don’t like taking out the garbage. Whatever it is, I need to clearly know this for myself in order to communicate well.

When you’re working with a partner, it really helps if you both make a sincere effort to understand and cooperate with each other. Make a statement out loud to each other setting your intention to find more peaceful ways of interacting so that you communicate better, have less arguments, and more constructive discussions. If your partner won’t work with you, state an intention to yourself and use the methods below on your own. They will still prove very useful.